Not who I thought I was!

"If you go to war with your mind you will be at war forever."

-Adyashanti

Having recently resolved to delve into deeper into my "truth" the past week has been as surprising as it has been challenging. On the occasions I have managed to stay present in the face of a painful thought and seen through the illusory nature of that thought I have been amazed at what lies at the source the fear.

David Whyte has spoken of this saying it is not what we fear which we must face but the Mother of that fear. One of the duties our mind's have been tasked with is to keep us from the deepest scariest place in which that Mother resides. A master of distraction and diversion the mind attaches to thoughts and ideas which keep us from a deeper truth. The mind has no allegiance to any of these thoughts, its job is solely distraction.

In the past week I have noticed that my fear can be triggered by either side of the same thought. "I can't do/have that" and "I can/have do that" can produce the same response. This sets up the desired result for the mind as it activates an internal dialogue which moves me further and further from reality, from the feeling which has ever so patiently been trying to get my attention. 

By observing the thoughts with neutrality a door opens to the truth of what is in that moment and in my case it is felt as a lightness or relief from a weight I have become so used to I only notice it by its absence. By not taking sides in the thought game I am releasing myself from the burden of the need to defend an idea, the need to be right, or uphold an identity. 

This is a vulnerable place and the mind will immediately circle to do its job, happily changing its idea of what is right in order to maintain a conflict (I experience this as being unable to make a choice). However, by continuing to hold a neutrality around the emerging thoughts which try to attach to a more visceral knowing a deeper realisation opens up new possibilities.

In this process I have been surprised to access things about my desires and fears this week which I have argued against all my life. (I am sure I am the only one who has been fooled by my arguments and I am in awe of the patience of those around me!). But it would appear that I may not be who I thought I was! 

Love

Bill