Feel this...
Depressed
Changing the way you get attention is personal development.
Losing the need for attention is enlightenment.
Fifteen years ago, as I sat and complained to Jeff, my coach at the time, about my depressed state. His reply really pissed me off.
" In your case Bill, depression is just another form of fight/flight".
How dare he question my depression?
Does he not know how I feel?
Who does he think he is?
Jeff's observation has echoed in my mind ever since. I have often wrestled with that phrase. On the one hand acutely aware of its veracity. On the other unable, or unwilling, to reconcile it with the very "real" experience of my darkest moments. Could Jeff be right? Was my depression just a survival behaviour, an ugly expression of my victim. A simple cry for attention.
I was seeing Jeff at the time because huge cracks had started to appear in the story of Bill. A story which I had diligently, if unconsciously, constructed over the years, ably assisted by the guiding hand of familial and societal codes of conduct. As my version of who I was started to feel more than a little fragile I found myself, unknowingly at the time, in an existential crisis, cunningly disguised as depression.
The question 'who does Jeff think he is', should actually have been 'who do I think I am?' It was my continuing inability to answer that question that was generating the behaviour I was describing as depression.
Even though I didn't have a clue at the time, a seed had been planted. My inner Buddhist was waking up to the impermanence of everything. Somehow I intuited that to build an identity dependent upon external validation and attention was inherently unstable and destined to fail. If everything eventually fails what is their to rely on? How could I verify my existence amidst such instability?
So like a toddler taking his first steps I ventured into the spiritual, new age, self development arena. Ignorant without the bliss, sceptical without reason, not even knowing the question I was asking, I donned my purple kaftan and embraced the nick-name I had been given in a previous identity. Bonkers Bill was going to find himself!
Those years of inquiry threw up this important differentiation, important to me at least. Self development is changing the way you get attention. Enlightenment is losing the need for attention.
So many teachings, techniques and tools were simply attempts to create a 'better' version of self. The Self Development industry was leaning on spiritual truths in an attempt to play the game better, to build a new more successful identity. There is nothing wrong with this but ultimately identities are impermanent and this superficial tinkering will eventually disappoint.
It appeared to me that the real work was to remove the need for external attention or validation. To do this requires building a relationship with, or at least giving attention to that aspect of your self which never changes. In other words you must first learn to dialogue with your soul. You must step into the eternal. Then you must happily follow its lead. You quite literally become your own best friend. You come to know yourself so intimately that you no longer require external attention to fuel your life.
The irony is that authentically achieving such self love will attract levels of attention so great that love will have no choice but to flow back out into your reality. As your cup overfloweth you will be unable to hold the volume of attention and love, and it will be forced to flow naturally out of you, setting up a virtuous circle as this makes you ever more attractive. You no longer need attention but it will come!
In the We Love section above I have added a link to a short film called Martin. I would urge you to watch this beautifully crafted piece. In it Martin explains to his friend "I don't think you will ever be happy", his friend asks "why not?" his reply is "because you're looking to find happiness".
15 years later
Last week, 15 years after that conversation with Jeff, my ears pricked up when listening to the latest public teaching from Keshe. Somebody asked Keshe how to help people suffering from depression and his answer reminded me of the essence of Jeff's words. Keshe said:
"Depression is very much an attention deficiency. The depressed are saying 'I need attention as confirmation that I exist'"
The spiritual quest is at its core an existential question. As an incarnate soul, how do we know if and why we exist? Keshe explains that problems arise when we look outside of ourselves for confirmation of our existence (sounds familiar?). When we need another's attention as confirmation we can easily find ourselves stranded when that attention is removed. Keshe's answer to depression is to build a relationship with your soul. To confirm your own existence, feed your soul*.
Keshe and Jeff's words are really nothing new and be summed up in that very simple phrase "know thyself" but they are well worth considering.
In the meantime, be like Martin, be happy,
Much love
Bill