Thanking the 4 year old

Thanking the four year old

For the past 46 years I have been riding on the shoulders of a 4 year old. He has been my sub-conscious, guiding me through the dangers of what he experienced as an insensitive and ruthless world. He taught the eight year old that 'boys don't cry'. He taught the 11 year old to blend in. He taught the 16 year old not to ask because rejection was the worst. He taught the 30 year old that his new born son was in danger form the world. He taught the man that receiving love was dangerous.

Unconditionally carrying that 4 year old was a universal force which understood his pain. As the boy carried the man the universe carried the boy, gently reassuring him that all was well. Never asking him to release his grip at the wrong time, never belittling his pain, never denying his felt sense of responsibility. Slowly over time the burden shifted as the boy began to trust. With a patience born of the infinite the universe never interfered but was always there, waiting, ready, inestimably strong, unimaginably gentle, free of judgment.

It has been so long and buried so deep that not even the 4 year old knows exactly what he has been protecting me from, but protect me he has. Only the universe knows the Truth behind the pain and yet it keeps that knowledge to itself, passing it on only to those mature enough to hold it and only in part.  Even with this knowledge, the universe has not dragged the boy back to face his fears, has not sought to right wrongs, nor to soothe wounds, it has just been there, steadfast in its presence, resolute in its love.

Occasionally dazzled by life the boy would be relieved of his responsibility and he would let go. As the boy relaxed so could the man and the man could luxuriate in the loving embrace of that universal love. Reassured the boy slowly loosened his grip and went to play in his own joy, leaving the universal baby sitter in charge. As his trust grew the boy stayed away, playing for longer and straying further. He kept popping back to check on the man and sometimes forgot that the man was OK, but then one day he became so captivated by life he knew he would never need to return.

I think that day was this month.

The universe has disguised its presence as many different people, in many different ways, in many different experiences, but its presence has been continual. I can feel nothing but love for all those who agreed to help share the burden of that little boy, but most of all I would like to thank the little boy.

Go and play, you deserve it.  

Go easy, tread lightly, stay free 

Bill