Turning Into Dad

I have two wonderful nieces, both of whom got engaged to be married over the past couple of months. I knew I had congratulated and shared a drink with one couple but when confronted with all four of the love birds I couldn't remember which particular couple. Rather than appear stupid or wrong I took a flyer and enthusiastically congratulated Martin, unfortunately calling him Mike. Wrong name, wrong guy. Martin was polite enough to overlook both mistakes and gave me that look which is usually reserved for my Dad. Mike was similarly polite, pretending he hadn't noticed my senior moment and he accepted my somewhat contrived and embarassed congratulations.

My Dad has been diagnosed with dimentia recently, turning what had been a quite enchanting personality change and gentle drift into the permanent present moment into a medical diagnosis. I had observed my Dad's rough edges fall away as his memory of his story semed to just lose its grip a little. I know that many have a really difficult time with this condition but in my Dad's case it seemed to open him in a way I had never seen. It was as if his failing memory set him free of something.

I have watched this process with some interest as I seem to be experiencing something similar. This can be quite embarassing in social situations when I find myself talking to someone who seems to know me quite well whilst I have no recollection of ever meeting them, or in situations like the one with Mike and Martin. 

Now I don't for a second think I have dementia (actually don't thnk Dad has either) but this loss of memory at times feels more like a loss of my old self, or at least some past story of self. You see its not just memory which is changing. The way I process information seems to be altering. Familiar motivators or desires no longer quite do it for me. Long held fears are (selectively admittedly) falling away. One of the strongest instincts at the moment is to withdraw, although I am not sure withdraw is quite the right word.

Its as if there is an innate awareness that moving towards something will somehow distance me from it, whilst stillness and presence (being fully here) will draw life toward me. When we left the centre I was excited at the prospect of plenty of time to be still and pull my attention back into me. No surprise then that life follows that attention point and I don't seem to have a spare minute! I am not complaining as this flow feels awfully benevolent and my time is filled amazing opportunity. It is as if life has begun to flow through me and in that space memory holds less value and certainly less relevance.

If I am turning into my Dad I hope its the endearing if forgetful current version, dimentia or not.

Now if only I could remember where I put those engagement cards!

With love

Bill