It's a jungle in here!
So. Two weeks in the jungle.
Well, ten days in the jungle, and six days traveling. That's a long way to go simply to confirm that everything I need is here. I could fly to the moon and wake up with the same internal landscape creating a similar version of the same reality, just a different backdrop.
When I left the Adyashanti silent retreat in August I had the strong realisation that I needed very little to enjoy a deeply intimate relationship with Self, and indeed the space beyond Self. In fact it seemed that every 'thing' was simply a distraction designed to take me away from Self. 'Things' include thoughts, emotions, identities, relationships as well as material things and experiences. It felt as if my busy life chasing experience, feelings and 'stuff' in an attempt to find, develop or express Self had simply created an obstacle to that intimacy which I discovered lay, for me at least, in simple silence.
This realisation does not mean that I immediately discard every thing, it simply lead me to look at my relationship with everything, forcing a deeper inquiry at a very fundamental level. In essence the question became "what motivates my choices, both in possession and relationship" and, beyond the stories, it inevitably comes down to the usual suspects fear of love. (Often fear is disguised as love, where we feel love promotes our chances of survival). Anyhow in the context of my imminent trip to the Amazon looking at my choice through me into confusion!
In short, what the f'*k was I doing flying half way around the world with a group of strangers to take an hallucinogen (Ayahausca) which would allow me to see the "truth" about me? Wherever that inquiry lead, I decided that as I had bought the ticket and the opportunity had presented itself I might as well have another experience.
As if to confirm my suspicion that traveling at one level simply transports your delusions from one environment to another my immediate challenge in the rain forest was the same as in Surrey on the silent retreat. Snoring. I thought I had discovered the world's loudest snorer in Surrey. How dare he snore? How dare he keep me awake? How dare he? It's just not fair! But the Surrey snorer was a rank amateur compared to the resonance chamber I found myself in in the forest. My hammock was sandwiched between Edgy and Angad, two of the gentlest souls you could meet, but my God, put them in a hammock and do they make a noise! How dare they snore? How dare they keep me awake? How dare they? It's still not fair!
Wrestling with an unjust universe whose sole intent was to deprive Bill Ayling of sleep, I gradually surrendered to the Yawanawa tribe as they eased us into their version of reality and relationship. We 'enjoyed' our preparation for the Ayahausca ceremony, which we were all anticipating with uncertain expectations. The poison frog treatment, the steam baths and clay body treatment were all designed to purify us to ensure as clear an experience with the uni (ayahausca) as possible. Our month long preparation without alcohol, meat and, where possible, sugar continued throughout the trip and extends beyond it for best 'results'.
In the end our group's experience with the uni was puzzling to the shaman and the tribe. We were the first group they had encountered who had no visions in the ceremony. This may have been a disappointment to those with previous experience of uni and other psychedelics, but on a personal level I could feel that this 'medicine' was something far deeper and more subtle than I could describe, and its effects were at a body intelligence level, bypassing the rational mind.
The ayahausca is a frequency based experience as the brew connects your spirit to the spirit of the plant or nature identified by the uni. The brew is drunk in sacred ceremony consisting of hypnotic chanting and movement which create a vibrational field which somehow accesses a level of consciousness beyond the normal waking state. Just as we see our bio-resonance as enabling a dialogue with the persons innate consciousness the uni appears to do something similar, but with the spirit of the plant. I have read that in this heightened state the visions do not simply allow you to see the future, they allow you to create a future. Not experiencing the visionary state I cannot comment, other than to say that is very aligned with our thinking around the Creative Space Programme. It is not remedial, it is a creative experience.
It was easy to romanticise the Yawanawa people's existence and they certainly appeared to be much more at ease with themselves than their Western visitors. This was highlighted in an evening with the chief when he talked of their lives and relationship with nature and each other. He expressed no bitterness towards the missionaries who had nearly destroyed their culture. There was neither resentment nor regret. He appeared at ease with what is and is looking to build his community. (His sharp mind and strategy was demonstrated to me later as he destroyed me in a simple game of dominoes! I observed his mastery as he waltzed through the politics of our visit with consummate ease.)
In contrast, be it through guilt, shame or simple dissatisfaction, the focus of the Western questioners was how wrong we have got things, how responsible we are for the ills of the world and how 'bad' our lives are. It seemed to me that this continual self reproach and almost self loathing is more fundamental to the Western condition than the societal structures which have emerged from that consciousness. At one stage, as we sat on the floor enthralled someone berated the West for having too much stuff (using chairs as an example). The chief smiled knowingly from his chair, needless to say the only one in the room! If we could be at ease with ourselves in the way the Yawanawa appeared to be there would be no missionaries in the first place.
My re-entry to my more familiar reality has been interesting. In some ways the trip felt like a distraction from the space I found myself in after the silent retreat. I have returned with an unexplained rash which has enforced a self quarantine. Having not had a 'medical' type condition for over ten years I found another degree of isolation as I could not access the bio-resonance computers which would be my first port of call. Whatever the trip, the treatments and the uni had brought up, or even it was just the powerful celestial movements at this time, there was no chance of me avoiding it.
As the week has progressed I felt more of my identities and motives being questioned and finally after a pretty intense 24 hours I touched a deep and long suppressed anger, (inconveniently at 4 in the morning without a snore to be heard). Simply acknowledging that anger has eased the rash, (or maybe it was the ice bath), and brought me a degree of peace.
In the end I am reminded of the phrase "there is no out there out there" and where ever I choose to indulge my delusion I must try to remember that I don't need a jungle to face my fears. Surrey or the Amazon my reality starts with my internal and sometimes "its a jungle in here"!
If this account sounds a little ungrateful that is not my intention. The truth is I actually spent a lot of time in awe of the raw beauty and extraordinary energy of this truly remarkable film set I had landed in. In fact I was continually reminded of the film Avatar. The butterflies, the sounds, the smells, seeing fire flies for the first time, even playing football in the rain forest are memories which will stay with me for a long time. The Yawanawa tribe who hosted us matched the beauty of the forest, and they described themselves perfectly as being "in right relationship with nature and each other". The group acted as a brilliant mirror and the opportunity to face my snoring demons internationally was fantastic.
My thanks as ever to this incredible universe and its inexhaustible capacity to keep on giving,
Love as always
Bill